Macedonia and the Lucky Rabbit

More football talk. Sorry Americans.

England. God almighty. I'm sorry but I have to get it off my chest.

I watched the game on saturday at my friend Yakbone's house. If you missed it England were held 0-0 at home by Macedonia - the only team in football history to have lost a game to that mighty footballing powerhouse, Andorra. I think its fair to say that the McLaren honeymoon is over. We were truly diabolical. Even the presence of Yakbone's lucky rabbit (which won Liverpool the FA Cup) failed to lift us. After the cup final I threatened to skin and eat that fucking rabbit, though having seen him in action my feelings have softened a little; miraculously, in the five seconds when he stopped nibbling house plants and actually faced the telly, Gerrard hit the bar. In a performance otherwise utterly devoid of spirit, skill, flair, or shots on goal, I think the two incidents might well be related.

But in the cold light of day, is anyone actually that surprised we're suddenly shit? Middlesborough were hardly world-beaters last season. We remarked before the game that this was genuinely England's best side out there; barring the return of Rio Ferdinand, we simply can't put out a better XI. Yet up front we have Crouch. OK he scores goals against the likes of Liechtenstein, Trinidad & Tobago and Iceland, but haven't we learned that lumping the ball long to the big donkey up front just doesn't work at the highest level? Did Emile Heskey slip, slide and fall over a lot around opposition penalty boxes in vain?

Terry - OK. Robinson - not bad. Stuart Downing, though? Please - he's not even the best left-footer in Middlesborough. I'd sooner have Stuart Hall play there.

Carrick? Hardly Claude Makalele, is he. Then there's Gerrard. Our one remaining world-class star, for some reason, is played out of position on the right. Who's bright idea was that?

And last, but by no means least in this tide of turds, there's Lampard. Clueless and out of his depth. He's supposed to be the new David Platt, ghosting in to the box late, but he's more like the old and very dull Ray 'The Crab' Wilkins - exhibiting a breathtaking array of short, usually sideways passes while moving no more than 20 yards either side of the centre circle.

Which gives me a good excuse to tell my favourite Lampard story. Its West Ham v Chelsea last season, and ex-Hammer Frank is getting the bird from the Upton Park crowd. Collecting the ball in midfield, Lampard is sent into orbit by a crunching tackle from West Ham's midfield hardman, the journeyman Carl Fletcher. Standing over his prostrate victim, Fletcher is then seen to mouth the words

"Welcome back, you fat cunt"

Fantastic. Who says Premiership stars don't care?

Anyway, England. Will we qualify? Yes. Will it lead to yet another feeble finals exit with tears and a sending-off? Yes. I know virtually nothing about Macedonia, save for the fact that its near Greece and spawned Alexander the Great. But sod it, I think I'll support them for a while - they seem to have more fun. And at the moment they have better players too.


This week's celebrity spots: a couple of corkers for you this week. First, the girl who played Beppe's sister in Eastenders striding up Oxford Street. Too much fake tan. Second, former Visage frontman Steve Strange. I was fairly sure he was dead but no, there he was, large as fucking life, outside Tescos.

Recommendations:
Last week I typed this out:
"If Peter Crouch is the answer, what was the question? Macedonia to hold out for a 0-0 draw with England at 12-1 (Stan James)"
Unfortunately I was sidetracked and never finished posting the blog. Bet you don't believe me. But never mind. This week I am backing England to silence the doubters (see above) and bounce back to win in Zagreb, at a best-priced 11/8 (BetSquare)
I am liking the Klaxons' work
Canada Warbler in Cork - a stunning first for the Western Palearctic