Fun on the escalators

I've whinged in the past about the Tube. Working in the middle of town, I am often amazed and baffled by the fascination foreign visitors have for this subterranean nightmare. Its not just the general filth, air of underfunding, constant delays, endless 'maintenance' and hopeless overcrowding. Its more the people that it attracts.

Take yesterday, for example. I tend to come home late most days, mostly to avoid other commuters. Tube travel's sole gift is the time to read. Engrossed in a good book, I scarcely noticed a young fellow brush past me onto the escalator. Bedecked in jewellry with the inevitable backwards-baseball cap and ludicrous clothing, this gold-encrusted fool loped up the steps, sporting the unmistakeable gait of the terminally dim. Imagine my surprise when I then sighted two similarly clad oafs coming down the opposite escalator. Only these were sitting down on a step and, remarkably, they had somehow managed to spark up dog-ends in the ten seconds since they'd left the ticket barriers above. Inexorably the chavs moved closer and closer together until, like a burberry meteorite approaching a binary system of bling, they passed. And then the fireworks started. The pair fired a salvo of invective at the loner, for no apparent reason. Naturally our hero responded in kind:

"Come on then, you fucking cunt"
"Yeah come on then you fucking cunt"
"You cunt, come on I'll fucking fuck you up you fucking cunt"

and then, rather limply:

"Come outside now!"

The war of words carried on like this for some time, with the shouting increasing in volume as the distance between the idiots grew. I wept inside.

There would be no battle, with the deadly duo safely at the bottom of the escalator and clearly not taking the bait, but our plucky rude boy's gander was up. So he turned to me and yelled

"What are you fucking looking at, you cunt"

I don't mind admitting I was ruffled.

I wish I had said something mystical and mystifying in response, something to demonstrate my peace-loving credentials as well as a certain mastery of the English language. Sadly all I could muster was a fairly feeble "excuse me" at the top of the escalators. A very British response, I like to think. Next time I'll offer him a cup of tea and a digestive.


Last week I recommended backing West Ham at 500-1 each way for the title. Anyone who took this advice is now sitting pretty; our two new Argentinian signings this evening have stunned the football world. Bye bye Spurs.

This week's recommendations:
The O'Neill bubble to burst. Villa to go down at 10-1 (bet365)
Dinky Loop for some great tunes
Dungeness for some excellent migrant waders.